Life goes on...

Well the sickness has little by little left my inner most being. Praise the Lord! I don't like not being myself.

I went to a wedding this last weekend and celebrated the joining of two people. I love weddings. I love dressing up, I love the food, dancing and chatting with friends. I also love to people watch. It is so interesting to me how people function in a group setting. Some most have friend by there side at every turn, others need their personal space and like to sit back and watch people dance instead of move themselves. Some people need to work the room and say hello to all while others enjoy a few personal conversations that take their attention for most of the night. What makes us who we are and what are our motivations?

Thanksgiving is this week and I am ready for some food! So much to be thankful for. My HEALTH, my family, Andy, my job and home. As I grow older, each year and see more of the hardships of this world, some I experience and some I just observe. This year my heart is full of thanks again for another year of blessings. My hope and prayer is to continue to see all that has been given to me just because Christ loves me.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Not what they seem

Well last time a wrote life was difficult, but I thought I had an idea how to battle the attacks. Well now I have come to find out a good majority of my attacks have been because of some medicine I have been taking and because I am really sick. I had some blood work done yesterday only to learn my white blood cells are high. So in light of this news, this whole time I have been telling myself "it's in all in your head", not true. Yes, I do struggle with with panic, but all this recent sickness has been just that, sickness. 

It is crazy what longer term sickness does to your life. Makes you stop and think about all the pure things that bring you joy and all the things that are the unnecessary costs. So many things in my life are not the true joy givers. Family, friends, health, these things are a must have. My parents have been true life savers. The other night I was throwing up in my garage and my daddy was there is 2 minuets helping me and cleaning me up. He helped calm my fears and I felt safe with him. My dad was there for me and I was blessed to see his tender heart and compassion. 

Andy has been so great too. There are lots of things women need in a man, but just to have a man who tells me I am beautiful with no weight on me or a shower in many days, this sweet eyes of kindness have helped heal my heart of fear and help with the healing processes. 

In my sickness I have learned just how blessed I am. 

My battlefield of Panic

I have really been struggling with panic attacks lately. I hate them! They make me feel so scared. They make me feel like a little girl who can’t find her dad, or like someone in my family has just died but I don’t know which one.

I hate the mind sometimes. The power it has to create feelings and then never resolve them. I had an attack last night. I did everything right yesterday, eat a well balanced meal, worked out, when to bed early, and still all the above didn’t keep the monster away.

All I remember is waking up from a bad dream, sweating like crazy and having major stomach problems. And when I say major I mean my body makes me think I have the stomach flu. It is horrible. So I have to start the regiment of getting gum, a wet rag, freezing myself down and then getting someone on the phone to get my mind of the panic. For most people, throwing up is no big deal, but for me it is like one of the worst thing ever. It is most defiantly my biggest fear, throwing up, passing out and dying right there on the floor. And that thought process right there is the problem, in my mind, throwing up leads to death. I have talked through this with therapist, but not much has worked.

Thank fully, the attack normally lifts after about 45 minuets, and this one followed that path. Some day I know I will ever have an attack again. And maybe that was the last one. Maybe I am done with them. That would be really nice.